I see you

mute

it will not come

this scream

contorted in my throat

lost

unable to find its way

out

inside the rage

a feeling of impotence

i can do nothing

i scream out

blood curdling

inside i hear it

so loudly

but nothing ventures forth

here under the fluorescent light

and the beep beep beep

of the icu machine…

i hold your hand and smile at you

flashes of memory

slam my forehead

and hit my heart

visions of you

aged born, 6, 8, 12, 16,

now 21

you cannot die

do you hear me

you cannot die

but the words strangle my throat

like three hands they  squeeze so hard

leaving a space too small to allow them

to pop out

so i smile serenely again

as you lie hooked up

to  monitors

the vein on your now-battered right hand

allowing a drip with liquid to reach your

dehydrated scarred body

i hold your hand

and smile

evrything’s going to be okay

my eyes say

but inside like razor blades cutting my oesophogus

i see the monitor

and it says something else

you cannot die

you cannot die

you cannot die

i see you look at me

eyes wide

and the only words that come out

are ones you’ve heard before

i love you

i’m not going anywhere

we’re going to get through this

and i see your eyes get softer

and i hold your hand tighter

we’re going to get through this…….

* For Matthew my nephew. Please keep him in your prayers as he waits for a life-saving heart transplant

Advertisement