snakes and ladders

I went down a tunnel
so dark and dangerous
Searching searching
For Truth
But all I found
were snakes and lies
And a ladder or two
i went further
i could not let darkness take me
further further down
excavating all that had blocked the way
and there,
in the centre,
i found her
the child i had left behind.
i reached out
as she looked toward me
40 years had passed, but she had not aged.
she smiled.
‘I’ve been waiting for you”, she said, and took my hand.

Breaking through to the other side

Tear me open
Let the scalpel dig deep
Break the river’s banks
Let the oceans flow free
Unfreeze me
Awaken me,
Reveal my name
Take me home
Unbroken, untethered
Till I remember
I am the river
I am the ocean
I AM
And always will be

Love

Love comes in so many guises
I went home this weekend
Got on a plane Sunday morning
It was Father’s Day
I wanted to surprise my parents
Arrived home to find dad ill
Refusing hospitalization
‘I can’t leave my wife’
My mom, softer gentler
Worried
That night I sat on the bed with them
They’ve never been a touchy feely couple
62 years married
I looked up and saw this, two hands intertwined
Love
Two people who’ve spent their lives together
Holding on
I love you mom and dad
Hold on
❤️

I swore I wouldn’t be one of those people who put up photos of the people they’ve loved who’ve died

but here I am colour printing a photo of you off Facebook 

And sticking it on my wall in my office

i can exhale 

I feel safer

happier 

knowing you’re right here

Watching me

i said I’d never be one of those people who only put up photos after their loved ones died
but here I am doing it,
and understanding why people do this,
why we make temples to the dead.
it makes you feel closer, so much closer and heavens knows how i long for that
love you my baby

 

 

 

 

Same but different

Yes I get up every morning

Yes I do get dressed,

set good intentions

Get into my car

Sob all the way to work

Yes I do go to work

And smile

And create, and chat, and work overtime

Yes I see my friends

We chat and talk laugh and tease

But it’s different

In a way I can’t explain

The physical ache of you not here

Is a constant reminder of what is gone

That something is missing

A dream

I’m at your graveside

Manically digging to get to your casket

To open it, to see you once more , to hold you

No one knows

Lest they’d think I’m mad

But breathing since you’ve died

Is one if the hardest things to do

In and out

Yes I’m dressing

I’m going to work

But it’s just not the same

I don’t have to be here

met friends across the road
trendy new place
tapas bar
but distracted coz all I could see
was the blue roof of your hospital
made quick goodbyes
stepped inside
caught a lift to the 8th floor
looking at the menu at the hospital coffee shop
the things I used to buy you
when you just didn’t feel like hospital food
I didn’t have to be here
but this hospital still remains
the one place I really can feel you in
I miss you and I just want to be close to you
is it weird I’m here
sipping coffee
and feeling closer to you
in this hospital
which you knew so well in your life
not the one you were born in
but the one you died in

I’ll love you forever

Almost there

beyond the Darkness, is the Light. Keep walking, keep writing, you’re almost there…

Relays

home
family
today I have the baton
later mom
then dad
then nieces
then nephews
his mother
his father
as though we hold the space
for the other
to allow the tears to flow
don’t worry
it’s okay to cry
we miss him too
he’s not gone
it’s all a dream
hold on hold on
we comfort each other
knowing the baton may be ours
in a minute, a day, a week
family
bonded by loss
bonded by pain
bonded by love
bonded by memories
bonded by the understanding that our time here is short
holding on tight to each other
not wanting to let go
scared to lose what’s left behind

we miss you Math

(day 69. a journey into loss)

I’m coming home tell the world

packing day breaking
skylar grey
I’m coming home
playing in the background
I’m on my way home
to my family
‘I’m coming home
tell the world ‘
heart is wide awake
aching to be in my mother’s arms
to be closer to the memories
to grieve together
mother father brothers sisters
nieces nephews
to hold and be held
‘tell the world
I’m coming home’

mourning/morning pages

before I cry or question why, let me lift my pen, as I sit here in my little den, and number, one by one, my blessings so clearly on display. #mourningpages