how does one carry on a blog, so many small things happen every day that have so much significance. l
ike, for example, i have spent a few months with a really bad bank balance and couldn’t afford my face cream and have been using a very cheap oil, to moisturise. added t0 that the other day I ran out of shampoo as i was preparing to meet a friend i havent seen in real life before. it caused enough anxieties (performance as usual) and I was running late and needed to wash my hair. i decided as a way to ease the anxiety i would just clear out a section of my cupboard where i put all my journals, i have no idea why i did this, it makes absolutely no logical sense seeing as i was so late, but anyway i did. and lo and behold behind the journals was a full shampoo and a face cream. don’t ask me how they got there, i have no recollection of putting them there, or that i ever had them.
it’s just stuff like that that makes me realise that there are an army of benevolent celestial beings looking after us. it also made me think of my body work session with katharine and a energy work session with dora earlier in the week. in both session i started opening up doors in my subconscious and started finding stuff inside of me that i didn’t even know was there. stuff that i thought i didnt have. Guts, courage, fears and childhood dreams and anxieties, they all started coming slightly out of hidden cracks, specifically a time before life ate away at my self image and self eteem. a time when i was seven and so full of attitude, a photo on my mother’s mantlepiece, such attitude, hehehe the world belonged to me. so full of self confidence and self belief, i could be anything i wanted to be.
my friend has a similar photo of himself at age 6. “that’s the real me”, he said the other day as he showed me the photo.
this journey i am on is to reclaim the bits of myself that were lost to life and to sadness and to pain and to hurt and to abuse and to fear and so many other things. for seven years now i have been encountering and meeting these parts of myself. i told katherine on thursday: It feels like i am in a forest, it is so dark and scary. i want to run back to what i know, my old way of being in the world. i sobbed in her office from a place very deep inside of me. Sometimes I know why I cry with katherine, the pain in my cells released, and sometimes I don’t. I dont know why I cried on Thursday. After, when she went to make me honey tea I sat on the floor and chanted, the sounds that dora had taught me. I felt so grounded.
I did it instictively.
Our bodies are like that, they know what to do to look after us.