questioning everything

what if everything I have been writing about is complete and utter fiction. WHat if, since I was a young girl, I have been in a consensual trance, that tells me in my model of the world angels and fairies and other stuff actually exists.

wictionary defines consensus trance as 

  1. An automated state of consciousness; actually, the normal consciousness, based on the premise that people believe what they are told to be true as opposed to what they have themselves realized to be true.

It is also a phrase my friend Narch told me about a few months ago.
AT the moment I am query everything in my life. The two times as a kid I thought I was going to die and on both occassions me believing an Angel came to me and helped me live.
Or the time my dead sister came to me in a dream and then I a few months later I met the person she came to me in a dream as.
And maybe Archangels and AScended Masters and other such stuff, what if they dont exist, what if I just have a vivid imagination. WHat if because of all teh pain and sadness I had to believe in something more than myself to keep on breathing.
I was with someone last night sees the world very differntly to mine. He has over weeks queried everything of my world.
Something happened in a dream I had last night. I dont know what but today I have woken up quering every single thing I have believed and felt.
Is it part of this process of where I am going? WHat is happening?
The person last night, in our spiritual class, asked whethere Lucifer and Archangel Michael were metaphors for something. If it was like Goofy and Donald Duck. I didnt get what he was saying. In fact I ws so irritated with him. But when I woke up this morning I realised he didnt believe in Lucifer and Archangel Michael. For weeks now I have been saying to him, when you have the experience, then you will understand. He has constantly challenged me that for every miracle and every experience I have had there is another very logoical explanation. He has irritated me. HE didnt fit in my model of the world (A Neurlinguistic Programme term he loves to use) andwhich I cant stop using today\But then I woke up today thinking: “Maybe it is all bull”.
I am still figuring all of this out. Maybe my lightbulb just blew and maybe my tv just blew on the same day. maybe i was so traumatised as a kid when i was being dragged by my feet and my head hitting on concrete floor that i disconnected from my body and maybe that voice i heard, that wise voice, saying ‘come with me, you will be okay’, was just my imagination, my disconnection.
maybe when i was drowning as a child when i fell into a pool and I felt so peaceful as I was going further down, maybe the golden light and the person I saw smiling at me maybe it was just the trauma of being unable to breathe.
Maybe the time I was in hospital, with my father watching vigil over me, when my sister, who died before i was born, came to me in my dream as an older blonde woman (she died when she was 4), holding her hand out to me and saying “Come on you can do this, dont give up, you can make it through this, be strong.” maybe it was just my unconscious talking me into living. and maybe that six months later as  I sat on an isolated beach in winter crying my eyes out with the rain not wantingto carry on, perhaps that that same woman from my dreams came with two dogs this time and reached her hand out to me like in the dream, and told me to come walk with her, notto cry, (Incidentally she was a woman who lived in the area not a spirit) jperhaps it was all just my way of making sense of  it  to think my dead sister had again spoken through this woman,
I dont know I am confused.
I am questioning everything.
WHat if in fact there is just nothing…. 

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