I don’t want the past, it reminds ME why I’ll miss YOU if YOU go, I don’t want the future it taunts ME with the fear that YOU may not be there, give ME this moment… YOU lying next to ME. ME Holding YOU. It’s all I can bear. – me
When someone you love is given an ill-health death sentence it’s hard to wrap your head around it.
And then when someone you love who wasn’t given any such sentence, dies, it is hard to make sense of this life or death thing.
All of a sudden the one Great Truth of my life, that i live and i will die, becomes something I find myself mulling over and thinking of.
Why does no one talk about death. Till death comes. I often feel so ill prepared for that day when we hatch out of our egg, this beautiful amazing body and our home, earth, and walk to the other side.
Where do we go, what happens to us? i feel my eternal soul will always be there and that this lifetime I chose to come as me. This girl. Who has had an interesting life. Who has seen some amazing things. Who has loved and laughed. Cried and had her heart plucked. I like this girl I have been in this lifetime. And yet there is a part of me that is waiting for that moment. That moment when I will remember, exactly, what it is I have come here for and exactly what it is I will be going to when I leave this planet that has so kindly been my host.
So much of what I do, feels like soul purpose, feels like there is something bigger going on, and so much feels just so ordinary. Just so silly. So simple.
And I look at my nephew. Next to me. And watch as he gets paler every day and less and less capable to do what he once could. And I feel I cant even write his story. Because it is his. And he wants no pity. I watch as he cuts me out, at times. And it aches. I want to hold him so close to me and never let him go.
And a thousand miles away my aging parents , both over 80.
death feels like a vulture hovering over my head right now.
Yesterday a schoolhood friend died in her sleep. She was younger than me. Aged 38. and now when I type the things I know she would have laughed about or understood. I feel her missing.
Death is coming to all of us. My teacher often says to me…what is it about the process you do not trust. Do you not trust that your brother and his wife will handle whatever happens. Do you not trust that your nephew will be okay. What is it that you do not trust. Do you not trust that we will be okay on the other side. It is only because you cannot see further, because if you could you would not be so sad, she says to me. And I agree.
I look at a drawing. a drop of water falling off a lotus leaf, about to drop in a pond. It seems so natural. But to me that drop of water feels like an appendage of the lotus leaf. As though, if it had to fall back into the pond from whence it came, it would tear the lotus leaf in two. And yet we all know, when the drop of water falls back into the pond the lotus leaf survives. It is not the drop of water falling off it that kills it. And the drop of water survives too, becoming the big pond.
When you are told someone you love may die and when someone else you love dies instead…it all becomes so senseless to worry about tomorrow or think about yesterday. There is only this moment. with my nephew lying next to me. Us giggling. Us teasing each other over a funny photo. There is only this moment, Because, for me, today, if there is a yesterday and a tomorrow I don’t think I could breathe.
If the lotus leaf knew the drop of water was going to leave it would it try to cling on to it…or would it let it go. If I knew,… could i breathe, would i breathe? and what if what i dread never comes to pass…
There is only this moment. How senseless anything else seems