tears streaming down, nightmares consume the dark hours. I’m running, trying to find Matthew , opening and closing doors, can’t find him. I wake up.
look at his fb page. read his messages. play his last voice message on watsapp to me. He’s laughing, teasing me.
I open my balcony doors, let the cold evening air hit me. breathe it in.
breathing is laboured. like walking through knee deep mud.
I want to scream, hit a wall, swear at the gods that did this. that have rendered me weak and powerless and who have broken my heart. who deemed their plan greater than mine. oh how I hate them in this moment. how could they violate me, violate my family. and get away with it. who can I fight with, which court can I take them to, who will see the trauma their actions have caused.
but I’m voiceless . disempowered .
there are no gods. i tell myself. matt made a choice. respect it. stop being selfish. let it go.
there’s a star in the dark sky. Im looking at it like I used to when I was a child. we used to say it’s my sister now long dead. but as i stand here, I know better now.
what I see is just a star. and people come and people go. and this pain too shall pass.