Relays

home
family
today I have the baton
later mom
then dad
then nieces
then nephews
his mother
his father
as though we hold the space
for the other
to allow the tears to flow
don’t worry
it’s okay to cry
we miss him too
he’s not gone
it’s all a dream
hold on hold on
we comfort each other
knowing the baton may be ours
in a minute, a day, a week
family
bonded by loss
bonded by pain
bonded by love
bonded by memories
bonded by the understanding that our time here is short
holding on tight to each other
not wanting to let go
scared to lose what’s left behind

we miss you Math

(day 69. a journey into loss)

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I’m coming home tell the world

packing day breaking
skylar grey
I’m coming home
playing in the background
I’m on my way home
to my family
‘I’m coming home
tell the world ‘
heart is wide awake
aching to be in my mother’s arms
to be closer to the memories
to grieve together
mother father brothers sisters
nieces nephews
to hold and be held
‘tell the world
I’m coming home’

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mourning/morning pages

imagebefore I cry or question why, let me lift my pen, as I sit here in my little den, and number, one by one, my blessings so clearly on display. #mourningpages

this too shall pass

tears streaming down, nightmares consume the dark hours. I’m running, trying to find Matthew , opening and closing doors, can’t find him. I wake up.

look at his fb page. read his messages. play his last voice message on watsapp to me. He’s laughing, teasing me.

I open my balcony doors, let the cold evening air hit me. breathe it in.

breathing is laboured. like walking through knee deep mud.

I want to scream, hit a wall, swear at the gods that did this. that have rendered me weak and powerless and who have broken my heart. who deemed their plan greater than mine. oh how I hate them in this moment. how could they violate me, violate my family. and get away with it. who can I fight with, which court can I take them to, who will see the trauma their actions have caused.

but I’m voiceless . disempowered .

there are no gods. i tell myself. matt made a choice. respect it. stop being selfish. let it go.

there’s a star in the dark sky. Im looking at it like I used to when I was a child. we used to say it’s my sister now long dead. but as i stand here, I know better now.

what I see is just a star. and people come and people go. and this pain too shall pass.

the place where we prayed

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I went back today
to the place I last saw you
to where I heard those words
sorry he’s gone
I went back today
because I can’t believe it’s real
I went back today because your grave is so far from me
I stared at the empty space through closed doors
where your mom and I fell to our hands and knees and beseeched every spirit alive dead real unreal to save you
it looked so dark, so empty
I went back to the space today
where they told us
and I fell to the ground
and sobbed

(on grieving day 43)

it comes in spurts, starts and finishes

it doesnt get easier but harder

yesterday i lost my phone with your voice message on it that i’d listened to again and again

last night was the first night i went to bed without your voice

it felt so scarily real

that you were gone

even the smell on your clothes that reminded me so much of you is beginning to fade

i want to hold on

i want to hold on

please don’t be gone, please tell me it’s a dream

please come back

tell me this is not real

 

(on grief and grieving – 41 days)

whatcha gonna do? who ya gonna be?

Passively

i look at him aggresively

you cant forget what people do

when you’re vulnerable

when your soul is naked

and your heart is raw

when you need refuge

you wont forget the people who kicked you on the ground, left you hiding yourself in the gutter

and somehow forever indebted to the ones that offered even the slightest sign of affection

when you’re vulnerable you’l take it from anywhere and a crumb will seem like a big double layered chocolate laced cake

and all you’ve got to hold on to

is that warrior wo/man inside of you

you won’t forget what they did

so life toughens you up

and people toughen you more

till you’re operating like two different entities

the real you

and the masked you

but who sees the real you

who sees you when you’re vulnerable and raw

not him

nor him or him or him or her

the loneliness of life in part is created by how we treat each other when we are vuilnerable

that it is so scary to show your stuff to the world

is an indicment on the world

so do you stay in the gutter and say Thank You for the crumbs

or do you rise and say F**k You to the bullies, to tthe heartless, to the judges, even if they only live inside of you with their incessant words and actions that say Stay Down You’re not Good Enough

and if you rise

Warrior Wo/Man

WIl you remember your heart?

or will you become

him, him, him or her?