Tag Archives: forgiveness

whatcha gonna do? who ya gonna be?

Passively

i look at him aggresively

you cant forget what people do

when you’re vulnerable

when your soul is naked

and your heart is raw

when you need refuge

you wont forget the people who kicked you on the ground, left you hiding yourself in the gutter

and somehow forever indebted to the ones that offered even the slightest sign of affection

when you’re vulnerable you’l take it from anywhere and a crumb will seem like a big double layered chocolate laced cake

and all you’ve got to hold on to

is that warrior wo/man inside of you

you won’t forget what they did

so life toughens you up

and people toughen you more

till you’re operating like two different entities

the real you

and the masked you

but who sees the real you

who sees you when you’re vulnerable and raw

not him

nor him or him or him or her

the loneliness of life in part is created by how we treat each other when we are vuilnerable

that it is so scary to show your stuff to the world

is an indicment on the world

so do you stay in the gutter and say Thank You for the crumbs

or do you rise and say F**k You to the bullies, to tthe heartless, to the judges, even if they only live inside of you with their incessant words and actions that say Stay Down You’re not Good Enough

and if you rise

Warrior Wo/Man

WIl you remember your heart?

or will you become

him, him, him or her?

 

 

 

 

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saying sorry

part of saying sorry is in a sense to hear the other say that they are okay, that they are not so harmed, part of forgiving is to let the other off the hook.
what do you do oh when you are trying to make amends for any pain you have caused someone (one of the steps in the 12 step programme) and they do not take your calls. leave a message?
when i flt and lived my life as a victim it was easy to see my ex as an abuser who was so cruel but i also hurt him. in my pain and as a way to get love and sympathy i told people i was dying,  friggin hell how crazy, anyway for many years I saw only his cruelty and so i got even worse, eventually i had a breakdown of sorts -i mean there is lots more to the story, but on to him, after breakdown i ran to another city, he followed me here, after two years we both got offered jobs back in our old hometown.

i didn’t go and he did, finally i was free of him but he wouldn’t let me go, eventually I blocked his number, we were messed up, co-dependant. we met up some time after, it was a release, a goodbye.

then the other day, many many years later, i thought about it and how messed up i was at the time, and such a victim, and so lost and actually so unconscious and just wanted to say sorry to him for the pain I must have also caused him.

i phoned.  i left a message, been thinking about him, his kids are looking great i said , i said sorry for the pain i caused him, cheers.

it feels so empty that i didn’t get a chance to say it to him. what does one do…..i wanted to also say i forgive him, but i didn’t say it….

well, letting it go……i am so sorry that i hurt him and i forgive him for hurting me. there i said it.
even if he doesnt  read i this just wanted to say it to someone.

(letter sent to my dearest friend mel, march 15, 2010) her wise advice :sometimes someone can’t be apologised to, you have done your bit)

Thank you mel for your wisdom xxx