Tag Archives: goodbye

the place where we prayed

image

I went back today
to the place I last saw you
to where I heard those words
sorry he’s gone
I went back today
because I can’t believe it’s real
I went back today because your grave is so far from me
I stared at the empty space through closed doors
where your mom and I fell to our hands and knees and beseeched every spirit alive dead real unreal to save you
it looked so dark, so empty
I went back to the space today
where they told us
and I fell to the ground
and sobbed

(on grieving day 43)

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um, so i guess that’s goodbye then….

he came like a thief in the night.

or at least that’s my story.

i didn’t expect him at all. this man who stole my heart.

if i had known he would come, i would most certainly have put extra bolts and walls up. but i wasn’t expecting him. he scaled the balcony, this fortress I had built, and snuck in through a side door of my quiet life. he found me half asleep, unused to visitors and yet, somewhere – deep inside – half expecting him.

he coaxed me with beautiful words, and moonlight songs strummed on his big bold guitar. he filled my home with paintings and my fridge with things i had deprived myself of for so long. With him, the ice slowly started to melt around me, at first half cracking around the permanent smile planted on my face.

and then as quickly as he had scaled the wall of my heart, he walked out of my front door and drove off in a real car … right out of my life. the irony is, is that i had asked him to go, not because i had wanted him to, but because i had needed him to.

And now as I sit, in my white cool room, no remnants of him to be found, save for two paintings lying in my lounge, I wonder if I had dreamt it all, or if love had perhaps visited me for a time.

        two unfinished paintings stacked upon each other in my lounge, one’s colour inverted on my computer

saying sorry

part of saying sorry is in a sense to hear the other say that they are okay, that they are not so harmed, part of forgiving is to let the other off the hook.
what do you do oh when you are trying to make amends for any pain you have caused someone (one of the steps in the 12 step programme) and they do not take your calls. leave a message?
when i flt and lived my life as a victim it was easy to see my ex as an abuser who was so cruel but i also hurt him. in my pain and as a way to get love and sympathy i told people i was dying,  friggin hell how crazy, anyway for many years I saw only his cruelty and so i got even worse, eventually i had a breakdown of sorts -i mean there is lots more to the story, but on to him, after breakdown i ran to another city, he followed me here, after two years we both got offered jobs back in our old hometown.

i didn’t go and he did, finally i was free of him but he wouldn’t let me go, eventually I blocked his number, we were messed up, co-dependant. we met up some time after, it was a release, a goodbye.

then the other day, many many years later, i thought about it and how messed up i was at the time, and such a victim, and so lost and actually so unconscious and just wanted to say sorry to him for the pain I must have also caused him.

i phoned.  i left a message, been thinking about him, his kids are looking great i said , i said sorry for the pain i caused him, cheers.

it feels so empty that i didn’t get a chance to say it to him. what does one do…..i wanted to also say i forgive him, but i didn’t say it….

well, letting it go……i am so sorry that i hurt him and i forgive him for hurting me. there i said it.
even if he doesnt  read i this just wanted to say it to someone.

(letter sent to my dearest friend mel, march 15, 2010) her wise advice :sometimes someone can’t be apologised to, you have done your bit)

Thank you mel for your wisdom xxx