the place where we prayed

I went back today
to the place I last saw you
to where I heard those words
sorry he’s gone
I went back today
because I can’t believe it’s real
I went back today because your grave is so far from me
I stared at the empty space through closed doors
where your mom and I fell to our hands and knees and beseeched every spirit alive dead real unreal to save you
it looked so dark, so empty
I went back to the space today
where they told us
and I fell to the ground
and sobbed

(on grieving day 43)

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I see you

mute

it will not come

this scream

contorted in my throat

lost

unable to find its way

out

inside the rage

a feeling of impotence

i can do nothing

i scream out

blood curdling

inside i hear it

so loudly

but nothing ventures forth

here under the fluorescent light

and the beep beep beep

of the icu machine…

i hold your hand and smile at you

flashes of memory

slam my forehead

and hit my heart

visions of you

aged born, 6, 8, 12, 16,

now 21

you cannot die

do you hear me

you cannot die

but the words strangle my throat

like three hands they  squeeze so hard

leaving a space too small to allow them

to pop out

so i smile serenely again

as you lie hooked up

to  monitors

the vein on your now-battered right hand

allowing a drip with liquid to reach your

dehydrated scarred body

i hold your hand

and smile

evrything’s going to be okay

my eyes say

but inside like razor blades cutting my oesophogus

i see the monitor

and it says something else

you cannot die

you cannot die

you cannot die

i see you look at me

eyes wide

and the only words that come out

are ones you’ve heard before

i love you

i’m not going anywhere

we’re going to get through this

and i see your eyes get softer

and i hold your hand tighter

we’re going to get through this…….

* For Matthew my nephew. Please keep him in your prayers as he waits for a life-saving heart transplant

MADLY in love – the psychology of love

Please forgive me for being so quiet on this blog but i have spent the last week falling in love.

breathlessly, heedlessly in love.

and something i have discovered is how very like love is to a number of mental health issues which i am presently studying at college.

which brings me to the point….was i falling in love or just going mad?

a remus brailoiu pic that captures, i believe, what it feels inside your heart when you fall in love

recent studies have shown how the neaurotransmittors affected in the brain during the firsts stages of falling in love are the same as those when one has Obsessive Compulisive Disorder (OCD). No wonder it is hard to think of anyone else but your love interest – a bit obsessive eh?. (find yourself doodling his/her name endlessly? and also there’s the little aspect of hoarding – keeping the bubblegum wrapper of the first chappie you shared, for instance.

what about –  “my heart beats so fast when you are near” …. could that somehow be a mild panic attack – perhaps the start of General Anxiety Disorder – instead of love?

gosh and we haven’t even released the oxytocin yet – the cuddle hormone, which apparently gets released during male and female orgasm. the hormone is the one that allows mothers to go into labour and breastfeed, and also facilitates the bonding between mother and child as well. now scientists are looking at how it bonds adults since it is released during orgasm.

and then of course there is the abilty to spend an entire night just chatting till the early hours of the morning when in fact your usual bedtime is 10pm. That’s very likely the neurotransmitter dopamine that triggers desire and reward, say the scientists. An increase in dopamine leads to less need to sleep, loss of appetite (notice how little you eat in th early stages of  falling in love), increased energy and focused attention. In fact, say scientists dopamine is also the neaurotransmitter that is affected in the use of drugs such as cocaine

there is also definitely elements of mania – an unusually high elevation of mood, over-the-top gift-giving and the feeling that you are invincible.

so i am afraid i may have lied when i said i was falling in love, in fact reading this i was probably just going mad.

aaah how knowledge showers on one’s love parade

and finally a martha and the muffins song, which my friend posted to me this morning and which i think is very good take on things

let\’s call it swimming