Tag Archives: loss

Aside

I swore I wouldn’t be one of those people who put up photos of the people they’ve loved who’ve died but here I am colour printing a photo of you off Facebook¬† And sticking it on my wall in my … Continue reading

Same but different

Yes I get up every morning

Yes I do get dressed,

set good intentions

Get into my car

Sob all the way to work

Yes I do go to work

And smile

And create, and chat, and work overtime

Yes I see my friends

We chat and talk laugh and tease

But it’s different

In a way I can’t explain

The physical ache of you not here

Is a constant reminder of what is gone

That something is missing

A dream

I’m at your graveside

Manically digging to get to your casket

To open it, to see you once more , to hold you

No one knows

Lest they’d think I’m mad

But breathing since you’ve died

Is one if the hardest things to do

In and out

Yes I’m dressing

I’m going to work

But it’s just not the same

Image

I don’t have to be here

I don't have to be here

met friends across the road
trendy new place
tapas bar
but distracted coz all I could see
was the blue roof of your hospital
made quick goodbyes
stepped inside
caught a lift to the 8th floor
looking at the menu at the hospital coffee shop
the things I used to buy you
when you just didn’t feel like hospital food
I didn’t have to be here
but this hospital still remains
the one place I really can feel you in
I miss you and I just want to be close to you
is it weird I’m here
sipping coffee
and feeling closer to you
in this hospital
which you knew so well in your life
not the one you were born in
but the one you died in

I’ll love you forever

Almost there

beyond the Darkness, is the Light. Keep walking, keep writing, you’re almost there…image

Relays

home
family
today I have the baton
later mom
then dad
then nieces
then nephews
his mother
his father
as though we hold the space
for the other
to allow the tears to flow
don’t worry
it’s okay to cry
we miss him too
he’s not gone
it’s all a dream
hold on hold on
we comfort each other
knowing the baton may be ours
in a minute, a day, a week
family
bonded by loss
bonded by pain
bonded by love
bonded by memories
bonded by the understanding that our time here is short
holding on tight to each other
not wanting to let go
scared to lose what’s left behind

we miss you Math

(day 69. a journey into loss)

it comes in spurts, starts and finishes

it doesnt get easier but harder

yesterday i lost my phone with your voice message on it that i’d listened to again and again

last night was the first night i went to bed without your voice

it felt so scarily real

that you were gone

even the smell on your clothes that reminded me so much of you is beginning to fade

i want to hold on

i want to hold on

please don’t be gone, please tell me it’s a dream

please come back

tell me this is not real

 

(on grief and grieving – 41 days)

On Grief

grief is a vicious animal
attacks unexpectantly ,with sharp fangs and skin-tearing claws
constantly alert, he comes at any time
3am , 4, 10pm, midday
surprise is his game
he leaves his victim maimed, not doing the honourable thing
leaving her gasping as blood drenched breaths try escape suffocating lungs snd a heart so squished up, it’s rhythms have lost any sense of a beat
grief has no redeeming features
it cares little for the life you once had
or the life you hoped to live
it does not even look you in the eye when it attacks
and yet after ravaging you
finally makes eye contact
and you know you are in hell
in a prison you can’t escape
with grief the gatekeeper

for now