Tag Archives: love

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Love

Love

Love comes in so many guises
I went home this weekend
Got on a plane Sunday morning
It was Father’s Day
I wanted to surprise my parents
Arrived home to find dad ill
Refusing hospitalization
‘I can’t leave my wife’
My mom, softer gentler
Worried
That night I sat on the bed with them
They’ve never been a touchy feely couple
62 years married
I looked up and saw this, two hands intertwined
Love
Two people who’ve spent their lives together
Holding on
I love you mom and dad
Hold on
❤️

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Aside

I swore I wouldn’t be one of those people who put up photos of the people they’ve loved who’ve died but here I am colour printing a photo of you off Facebook  And sticking it on my wall in my … Continue reading

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I don’t have to be here

I don't have to be here

met friends across the road
trendy new place
tapas bar
but distracted coz all I could see
was the blue roof of your hospital
made quick goodbyes
stepped inside
caught a lift to the 8th floor
looking at the menu at the hospital coffee shop
the things I used to buy you
when you just didn’t feel like hospital food
I didn’t have to be here
but this hospital still remains
the one place I really can feel you in
I miss you and I just want to be close to you
is it weird I’m here
sipping coffee
and feeling closer to you
in this hospital
which you knew so well in your life
not the one you were born in
but the one you died in

I’ll love you forever

Relays

home
family
today I have the baton
later mom
then dad
then nieces
then nephews
his mother
his father
as though we hold the space
for the other
to allow the tears to flow
don’t worry
it’s okay to cry
we miss him too
he’s not gone
it’s all a dream
hold on hold on
we comfort each other
knowing the baton may be ours
in a minute, a day, a week
family
bonded by loss
bonded by pain
bonded by love
bonded by memories
bonded by the understanding that our time here is short
holding on tight to each other
not wanting to let go
scared to lose what’s left behind

we miss you Math

(day 69. a journey into loss)

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I’m coming home tell the world

packing day breaking
skylar grey
I’m coming home
playing in the background
I’m on my way home
to my family
‘I’m coming home
tell the world ‘
heart is wide awake
aching to be in my mother’s arms
to be closer to the memories
to grieve together
mother father brothers sisters
nieces nephews
to hold and be held
‘tell the world
I’m coming home’

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mourning/morning pages

imagebefore I cry or question why, let me lift my pen, as I sit here in my little den, and number, one by one, my blessings so clearly on display. #mourningpages

this too shall pass

tears streaming down, nightmares consume the dark hours. I’m running, trying to find Matthew , opening and closing doors, can’t find him. I wake up.

look at his fb page. read his messages. play his last voice message on watsapp to me. He’s laughing, teasing me.

I open my balcony doors, let the cold evening air hit me. breathe it in.

breathing is laboured. like walking through knee deep mud.

I want to scream, hit a wall, swear at the gods that did this. that have rendered me weak and powerless and who have broken my heart. who deemed their plan greater than mine. oh how I hate them in this moment. how could they violate me, violate my family. and get away with it. who can I fight with, which court can I take them to, who will see the trauma their actions have caused.

but I’m voiceless . disempowered .

there are no gods. i tell myself. matt made a choice. respect it. stop being selfish. let it go.

there’s a star in the dark sky. Im looking at it like I used to when I was a child. we used to say it’s my sister now long dead. but as i stand here, I know better now.

what I see is just a star. and people come and people go. and this pain too shall pass.